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Roscoe Resurfaces in Year of Rooster

Fall 2005

TAKOMA PARK, MD—Six years after his death in morning rush hour, Roscoe the Rooster will once again be the center of attention on Carroll Avenue. Takoma Park Police are preparing to exhume Rooster's body in response to new forensic evidence identifying the infamous McNoggin of November 2000 as Roscoe the Rooster and fueling speculation that Rooster's death was the result of foul play.


At the time of Rooster's death in February 1999, rumors circulated that he was the victim of a mafia hit, based on reports that no skid marks were evident at the scene of the alleged accident. Rooster was widely rumored to have been an informant in the FBI investigation of Community Center kickback schemes.


A year and a half after Rooster's death, the discovery of a whole, breaded chicken head in a box of McDonald's Chicken McNuggets roiled the fast food industry. The big break in the Roscoe the Rooster case came when the Newport News, Virginia owner of the so-called "McNoggin" finally put it up for sale on E-Bay. Forensic experts hired by Takoma Park residents won the auction with a bid of $1,555. In a press conference held last week to report their findings, the scientists said that DNA recovered from the McNoggin was a match for Roscoe the Rooster.


Local residents and Roscoe supporters were not surprised to have their image of Roscoe—a rooster who lived fast and died fast—validated. "He was no chicken," Larry Rubin, former Ward 1 Councilperson, told The Gazette. "And at one point there was a bounty on his beak." But Rubin says he won't jump to conclusions until further evidence comes to light. Like whether the rooster remains buried off Carroll Avenue include

a head.


Takoma Park Police Chief Cynthia Creamer expects the exhumation and examination of the body to be completed in one week, after which time Rooster's breaded remains will be returned to his wife for proper burial.


In related news, a spokesman for McDonald's responded to accusations that the fast food chain has links to the mafia by saying, "I think evidence will show that Mr. Rooster was crisp on the outside, but tender and juicy on the inside."



McRoscoe? Forensic experts say they have proof linking Roscoe the Rooster's death to the mafia.


McDonald's denies involvement in the mafia-linked death of Roscoe the Rooster and launches a marketing campaign celebrating the "Year of the Rooster."

From the annals of the Too Bizarre to be Parody:


McDonald's has trademarked the phrase "I am Asian."
We're lovin' it.