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Abramoff
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Porter Claims She Doesn’t Know Jack

Spring 2006

abramoffdoll.jpg
Mayor Porter still sleeps with the childhood doll that she called Abramoff.

TAKOMA PARK, MD—The long tentacles of the political corruption scandal roiling the Nation’s Capital infiltrated Takoma Park last month when allegations surfaced regarding a relationship between Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff and our very own Mayor, Kathy Porter. Documents obtained by Takoma Pork reporters show that the Justice Department is investigating allegations that Porter may have received benefits from Abramoff in connection with local development projects.

The most startling allegation was that Abramoff provided Porter with change for a dollar on a Ride-On Bus in exchange for Porter’s agreement to allow Indian gaming in the recently completed municipal building and to rename the new City Hall the “Abramoff Complex.” Witnesses to the Ride-On Bus transaction spoke to the Pork on condition of anonymity out of concern that the Takoma Pork is a “ridiculous publication.”

Porter submitted the Municipal Building name-change resolution at a double-super-secret, closed-door session of the City Council late last year, according to sources close to the investigation. Abramoff allegedly begged out of the deal when he was informed that the complex contained no gymnasium and had “a really weird parking area where the front lawn should be.”

Porter dismissed any connection between the disgraced Washington lobbyist and the Municipal Building resolution. “I’ve always liked the name Abramoff.” Even when she was a little girl, said Porter, she would always call one of her dolls ‘Abramoff.’ Porter’s childhood playmates could not be reached for comment.

In addition to the change-for-a dollar flap, other witnesses have reported seeing Abramoff give Porter his parking place in downtown Takoma while there were still several minutes left on the parking meter. Local residents questioned whether people actually put money in those meters.

Porter dismissed comparisons to last year’s probe into her offer to rename Sligo Creek the “Meg Finn Run” after the Takoma Park realtor offered to sell Porter’s garage for $750,000. That investigation ended with Finn and Porter disavowing any wrongdoing and local realtors commenting that the $750,000 price tag for a detached garage seemed low.

When questioned by the Takoma Pork about the current investigation, a Justice Department spokesman commented, “What the hell are you talking about? Who are you?”

 

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