TAKOMA PARK, MD—Cutting short a fundraising event at a New Jersey military
base, President Bush returned to the White House to announce that he has declared Takoma Park a Federal Fashion Disaster Area.
“The people of Takoma Park are suffering,” Bush stated during the announcement.
“We cannot allow fellow Americans anywhere to languish in motley collections of earth tones and textures that have no
business being placed on the same body at the same time.”
Bush stated that he was focusing the full energies of the federal government on the
relief effort. “I have ordered Downie Snow to take charge of the rescue and recovery effort.” Ms. Snow is director
of FEMA, the Fashion Emergency Makeover Agency. “I know Downie will do a heckuva job!”
President Bush refused to take questions. But as persistent media inquiries continued,
Director Snow, standing next to the President, stepped in and acknowledged that she was wearing Mizrahi.
Emergency makeover teams began appearing throughout Takoma Park, garnering mixed
reactions from residents.
“Hands off my body!” yelled local activist and performance artist Shanti
Fuller as she deftly avoided a makeover team consisting of hair, makeup and fashion consultants.
“We’re only trying to help, ma’am,” responded the fashion
consultant. “I know it’s hard. But you really need help. You can’t make it outside this city. You have split
ends, you need makeup and that prairie dress is hiding your figure!”
Responding to the announcement, Takoma Park Mayor Kathy Porter expressed outrage.
“We don’t need government telling us what to do,” said Mayor Porter. “And we certainly don’t
need fashion advice, especially from an agency with a track record like FEMA—I needn’t remind people of their
poor response to the Ocean City fashion emergency.”
Porter was referring to the severe criticism that emerged when FEMA attempted to
replace the lewd and tacky clothing sold on the Ocean City boardwalk with lewd and tacky clothing from Abercrombie & Fitch.
The frequent appearance on the boardwalk of senior citizens clad in tank tops proclaiming “Juicy” sparked the
But not all residents resisted. After coaxing by federal pedicurists, a resident
known only as Twig was eased into a salon chair. A crowbar was carefully wedged between his feet and his Birkenstock sandals.
Several files were broken before Twig’s calluses were reduced to the point of sensation. “That’s the first
time I’ve felt the bottom of my feet since 1974!” an enthusiastic Twig exclaimed.