Takoma Pork Winter 2006 Issue
Government Probes Piles
Winter 2006 Issue
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City Government Probes Citizens' Piles

Winter 2006

TAKOMA PARK, MD—Local activist Ryan Mulder announced yesterday that he has evidence the Takoma Park public works department is using unconstitutional surveillance methods to plan their rolling leaf collection efforts.  During his press conference at the Atomik Maid, Mulder showed an alarming correspondence between the times when he raked his leaves to the curb and when the piles were collected.

“I raked my leaves on Saturday, and by Tuesday evening they had been collected,” said Mulder.  He went on to allege that his tool library borrowing records had been examined, tipping the city to his having borrowed, then returned, a rake over the weekend.

“It’s more than uncanny, it’s unconstitutional,” he added.

Takoma Park mayor Kathy Porter would neither confirm nor deny, nor indeed show any sign that she even understood Mulder’s allegations.  She did however say that Takoma Park is “under assault” by oak and other falling leaves, and that as city’s elected leader, it was her duty to use “whatever means necessary” to eliminate the leaf threat.

After the Leaf Collection Riots of 2002, rolling leaf collection was instituted in part to make it more difficult to ambush public works crews. 

Mulder also stated that a public works whistleblower alerted him to the fact that the city is holding some leaves in secret “red, brown, and yellow” sites.

Mulder’s revelations were met with sullen silence by the crowd of wan teenage punks, who asked only one question. “Are the Grinding Gashes playing tonight, or what?” asked local teen Autumn Siddennancy, adding “They rock!” to general agreement.  Mulder, after consulting with management, confirmed that the Grinding Gashes would be playing shortly, but was unable to speak to whether they would or would not rock. 

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