Takoma Pork Winter 2006 Issue
Plant Vigilantes
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Plant Vigilantes Penetrate Fanny's Garden

Winter 2006

TAKOMA PARK, MD—Fanny Bowman, founding member of the Takoma Horticulture Club and long-time virgin, died of a heart attack last fall after finding her entire secret garden deflowered.  Friends of Sligo Creek claimed responsibility for stripping the garden of its antique English roses, saying they were too close to Sligo Creek parkland and their sweet smell was attracting deer to the area.  

FOSC members defended their actions.  "Those non-native flowers have no place in Takoma Park," according to FOSC member Ben Rules.  Miss Bowman’s brother, Richard Crandall, vowed to get revenge.  He has been arrested several times for spreading his non-native seeds and planting Japanese honeysuckle and Chinese wisteria around the yards of unsuspecting Takoma Park homeowners.  However, no residents have come forward to press charges.  "Everyone is just too scared to act as a witness," commented Takoma Park Police Chief Cynthia Creamer.  "It's just heartbreaking to see how this community is being violated by these plant terrorists."

The Maryland Native Plant Society has filed suit against Crandall, charging that he is a public nuisance and is harboring dangerous plant species. Police raided Crandall’s beauty salon on Carroll Avenue last week and found several exotic orchids, a counter display of lucky bamboo, and a mango tree. The contraband plants have been confiscated and are being held pending litigation.

Anyone who knows of a neighbor with a non-native plant variety in their yard or home is urged to contact the Takoma Park Police Department for prompt removal and prosecution. The authorities have asked the town to be especially vigilant this time of year for poinsettias, Christmas cactus, and non-native evergreens.

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