Takoma Pork Winter 2006 Issue
Secret Prison
Winter 2006 Issue
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CIA Operates Secret Prison in Takoma Park

Winter 2006

A detainee undergoes rendition to the secret Takoma Park prison.

TAKOMA PARK, MD—The Takoma Pork has learned that one of the secret prisons created by the CIA to hold and torture suspected terrorists is in Takoma Park. The prison, located in the basement of a popular coffee house, has been operating outside of the Geneva Conventions—though near Geneva Avenue—for the past three years, according to a highly placed anonymous source.

“When you think about it, it makes perfect sense,” said the official, who is not Lewis “Scooter” Libby trying desperately to stay out of prison himself. “All of the attention in the news media has been directed to prisons in Eastern Europe. Nobody suspected this was going on right under their own noses.”

The Takoma Park prison snuck under the radar because the coffee shop has made no attempt to hide the holding cell. Ordinary customers regularly mingle with the prisoners, who are dressed in fairly standard Takoma Park garb—rough hemp jumpsuits and sandals with socks. In fact, blending with the customers is considered one of the most cruel forms of torture. “The conversations we have to listen to!” moaned one prisoner, who has been held at the coffee house without being officially charged for the past three years. “They drone on and on about their silly, ridiculous problems and their feelings. It makes me want to self-combust!”

The prisoners are forced to wait indefinitely for their chai lattes, which often show up cold or even without the milk. The overstuffed couches they must sit on are uncomfortable and make strange “farting” noises whenever the prisoners sit. In addition, terrible folk music is played continuously. It’s often live and right next to where the prisoners are forced to congregate. “Oooohhhhhhh,” moaned the prisoner. “I didn’t know that my ears could bleed.”

A detainee has waited for a top off since June 2004, in clear violation of his writ of habeus javas.

After the establishment is closed at night, the prisoners have to wash dishes, mop up, and clean the bathrooms.  “They are disgusting.  I have never seen such filth in all my life,” the prisoner said.  “At least in my country, we know how to aim, and we know how to flush.”

But the worst indignities came when the eating establishment forced the prisoners to join in its annual holiday party.  “Kids everywhere, crying and yelling.  Women wearing patchouli and waving Solstice wands.  I really thought that I had died  and gone straight to hell,” said the prisoner, his voice breaking.

The Bush administration denies that the coffee house is being used as a torture area.  “While we do hold prisoners there, we would never make them listen to folk music,” says Vice President Dick Cheney, who is also executive director of the administration’s Department of Secret Torture.  “I am the devil, and we do believe in doing anything necessary to make prisoners talk.  But even evil has its limits.”


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