Takoma Pork in the Voice July 2007
Pork in the Voice July 2007
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100% Local, Organic, Free-Range Falsehoods

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Volunteer Do-Las practice their encouraging moves in preparation for Do It Day.

A coalition of Takoma Park moms, upset at the near-elimination of alternative birthing options since the midwives were forced to leave, has announced plans to make their labor cries heard all the way in Annapolis. Inspired by "nurse in" protest events staged by breastfeeding mothers, the group has announced Monday, Sept. 3 -- Labor Day -- as Maryland Birth Day, to be celebrated with a "birth in" at the Maryland state house.

"Women should be able to give birth however and wherever they feel safe," said Tina Bradley, the group's spokesperson. "These politicians in Annapolis need to see the whole bloody show of options."

The group estimates that at least 50 women will be on hand to give birth on the steps of the statehouse in Annapolis, based on participation in December's precursor event "Do It Day."...(read more)

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There's a new kid on the chopping block at Slaughter's feedlot-petting zoo.

TAKOMA PARK—The Old Town Business Association has announced that the long-vacant site of the former Taliano’s pizzeria is soon to become a bustling regional attraction: The nation’s first slaughterhouse-restaurant. Appropriately named “Slaughter,” the venture is a partnership of the Takoma Park-Silver Spring Food Co-op, the Takoma Park Farmers’ Market, and the two-year-old local newspaper, the Takoma Pork.

 

The slaughter-to-table concept was inspired by the success of the brew-pub movement, according to owner Larry Sanders. “People have been flocking to brew-pubs for years now, paying a premium for local microbrews. We’re just bringing in OUR flock of micro-cattle to reach an as yet untapped market.”  The restaurant will prepare only miniature breeds due to limited downtown acreage suitable for grazing....(read more) 

News Briefs

Vice President Dick Cheney underwent emergency quadruple bypass surgery yesterday after becoming ill during a state dinner. A spokesman for Washington Adventist Hospital said that the surgery went well and held no surprises, though surgeons were unable to find the Vice President’s heart. “We spent four hours searching Cheney’s chest cavity, and all we got was this lousy Nerf ball,” said cardiac surgeon Paul Johnson. The surgical team believes Cheney’s heart has atrophied, but they do not know how the Nerf ball ended up in the Vice President. Beginning in July, the Nerf ball will be on exhibit at the National Museum of Health and Medicine, located on the campus of Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Cheney’s spokesman said the Vice President had no comment and will be vacationing in the Emerald City for the remainder of the summer.

Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, broke a lengthy public silence with an interview in this week’s People magazine. Mary Cheney told People that her parents have finally come to terms with her choice of life partner and have fully embraced her growing family. As a gesture of good will, Mary Cheney said, Dick and Lynn Cheney have offered to pay for a sex change operation for her partner, Heather Poe.

President Bush has ramped up his criticism of the genocide in Sudan, announcing that he will send U.S. troops to bring an end to the killing. According to a high-ranking military official, the forces will be made up of school security guards. “They’re on summer break, and the rest of our armed forces are, you know, otherwise occupied,” the official said. Deputy Barney Fife will come out of retirement to lead the new peacekeeping force.

The Takoma Pork won a coveted Azalea Award at this year’s red carpet gala sponsored by the Takoma Foundation and the Takoma Voice. China has named this the Year of the Pig in honor of the satirical newspaper, which President Hu Jintao has called “a model of truth in journalism."

Can't get enough Pork?
If you didn't get the July 2007 SPECIAL COLLECTORS EDITION at the Takoma Park Independence Day Parade, click here to check out our archive of past issues. 

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Takoma Park Declaration of Interdependence
 

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men (sic) are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are:

  • The freedom to carry dead animals on chains and rattle them at young children.
  • The freedom to be smug and sanctimonious.
  • The freedom to feed backyard roosters.
  • The freedom to paint your house whatever damn color you please (even in the historic district).
  • The freedom to vote as long as it's not Republican.
  • The freedom to nurse your teenager.
  • The freedom to appeal to the town arborist if you want to cut down your trees.
  • The freedom to let your yard/lawn become overgrown, and then apply for certification as a "wildlife habitat."
  • The freedom to walk around your house naked without drawing the shades.
  • The freedom to leave car-sized mulch piles in front of your house for months.
  • The freedom to dump effluent into Sligo Creek (if you are Washington Adventist Hospital).
  • The freedom to air-dry your nipples.
  • The freedom to let your armpit hair go dread.
  • The freedom to feed your placenta to your neighbor's pit bull.
  • The freedom to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage.
  • The freedom to call any old piece of junk art.
  • The freedom to let your children play on the roof.

Seth Grimes and Sat Jiwan Ikle-Khalsa contributed to this issue.

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